I have been dealing a writer’s block for the past few days, usual case for me when it comes to blogging. Most of it just deals with pulling together the thoughts into a cohesive process that is transformed onto the screen. Alas, it is never been my strongest suit…
My goal for February has been steady; that is a wonderful thing for me. I have mentioned many times of my hatred of February, so when you can say that February is not too bad of a month that is success! While my emotional and mental state seems on the up it doesn’t mean I cannot have a downer.
Two years ago on this day, my family and I loss a dear member of the family. He was a man who though with his quirks was a larger than life character to me. I think my greatest gift I received was having the chance to care for him. He was a man who hated people caring for him; let alone unable to be active. For him to rely on me for that last year of his life I got to know more than I would have ever thought I knew of him.
Grief comes to people differently, as I have learned with my little sister. She has become upset and annoyed with no one understanding her grief. And while I can give her advice if what I think is happening she will not listen to me. (For I was that way during the first time I experienced grief.) Please pray for her, since I know she needs it more than me.
His passing has been hard as I mentioned for my family; my great-grandmother watched her youngest son die before her. She is a strong woman who looks at life as a creation God put on Earth for a reason; no matter the struggle. That year caring for him, I saw a bond that I had only known in stories and with passing glancing through my life: a mother-son bond.
It is a bond that we have seen and known with Fathers and their daughters, but rarely do you see it with mothers and sons. It was a bond I ached for so long or believed I had, but maybe I never truly had.
I have been told for years I am daddy’s girl, but reflecting upon it did I have such a bond or still have that bond with my Dad? Sometimes it is so difficult to speak to him, almost like I am afraid that our conversation would become awkward. Probably the closest I felt that bond was when I was given away by him to my husband or when we danced.
I tell my husband all the time be thankful that you have such good bonds with your parents. How lucky you are to have those. I struggle to have what little bond I can with mine.
Even my bond with my Father in Heaven and Our Lady, who is our spiritual Mother I feel an uncomfortable lost. All I ask that I be held under that mantle of Love that had always been there. Whether this is a darkness in my spiritual life or not, I cannot help but fervently pray that I wrap myself among that love and strength that has helped me strengthen myself.
In less than six days I will honor and give special petition for a strong figure in my life that the Lord said it was time for her to be with him: my paternal grandmother, Jackie. Watching the Olympics, especially Figure Skating brings the fond memories of sitting at her house watching them with her. Us, cheering for Michelle Kwan and others who were reaching for Gold. Watching them today I felt it was not the same, and it has never been the same since her passing. I have no one to converse as they skate or just sit there and watch.
This all then revolves back with my faith, where I feel I cannot communicate or share a community on my Catholic faith. As I have mentioned to even my husband (who himself due to scheduling of his training cannot always be around to help with this) I do not mind silence or being alone in Adoration, for really I am never alone Jesus is there. Yet, trying to even silently say my prayers has become difficult.
This brings me to another anxiety that is two-fold. First, moving to my new duty station is approaching quickly I am fearing again what happened when I came to this diocese. Also I fear I will not find Catholics who I can converse with and further myself into knowing and loving the faith. I know this makes no sense, but I am just writing what is coming through in my mind. Forgive me.
Second, my anxiety also deals with the new duty station itself. When we found out we were moving to New York, I had instantly figured out how we were going to move, but I began looking for group pages of wives at the duty station. This new duty station has group pages and even my husband’s boat has a group page for itself. I have not received noticed that I am accepted to any of them that I requested.
The New York station instantly accepted me once I sent a message of why I asked to join, but even with a message to all the groups I have got nothing back. I have to look at this as they (Administration) might be busy with their own lives (for many, if not all are married to a Sailor and have families). I get that, but I would think that after someone has messaged you, it should be an indication to accept them or at least reply. The worry of all this is will I be shunned before I even get there?
This current duty station while yes accepted me and I have went to even FRG meetings, I have felt out-of-place and not accepted. And while I made acquaintances I may have just one or two true friendships that stayed with me since I came here. There were friendships due to whatever it was from negativity or they were friends with the person who doesn’t associate with me so they just follow along. It hurts because I want to find those friendships and bonds that everyone speaks of. Am I over analyzing it all?