I have to ask myself that question almost every night, but I think the really answer is I have a lot on my mind.
My mind works like this all the time, guess you could say that in the end God might be nagging me to do something that I know I need to do, but have become lazy in the process.
While I was walking home from work at two in the morning I usual have my music player on, which normally helps me walk faster, but also sometimes music helps me digest much of the ideas I have in my mind or issues. Today though I did not have that because I accidentally forgotten my music player in a friend’s car after she dropped me off after the Saint Patrick’s 20s Group meeting. Without the music I was left in the silence of the nightly journey, sometimes it is bad because I begin focusing on other sounds and freak myself out. Left in the silence I begin really thinking about my thoughts that I try to drown out with music.
One thought kept coming back into my mind: what are you doing with yourself? I found myself answering the question with an answer that was terrible to even admit. I have become lazy in what I treasure most and have lost myself into the boredom and work. I am a Dominican Laywoman and though I am not under extreme obedience, I still should try to live by the pillars of the order: Study, Prayer, Community, and Apostolate.
Yet, I have lacked in the two pillars of Study and Prayer the most. How could that happen? Sometimes I think it is due to the lack I have in the other two pillars that weaken my passion of study and prayer, but I truly do not know. I told the Lord while I walked, “I need to focus back into prayer and study.” And truly I know I do. So, after I am finished writing my few little lines I will have breakfast and then pray the Liturgy of Hours, which I should have done yesterday with it being the Feast of Saints Peter and Paul.
I ask that all of you who read this blog to pray for me as I go through this and strengthen myself as not just a Dominican Laywoman, but as a Daughter of God.