Alone in a Room

It is day two of this hospital adventure with my great-uncle. He is still dealing with pain and nausea, but at least he is sleeping, somewhat better. Buffalo Bill his stuffed animal now has an added bonus, a Rosary wrapped around him. It is a plastic one, but a rosary. I also brought the Third-Class relic I have that my sister gave me when she left awhile back.

This morning as I was waiting for the COTA to appear, a few things happened. One, it was snowing, which I love snow, but as I looked at the snow I just wanted to cry. Which in turn gives you two, that I seem to have caused another text fight with my sister to whom I have been closing myself from, but ever wishing myself not to. The text fight dealt with reading between the lines, to which I think now she thinks I always do. Yes, I have that problem, but I know about how people are when they deal with those in the hospital, they either are the ones who sit there with the family member all day, others will can stand a few moments, and then there are those who will no come to see the person at all.

I understand that, I am judging anyone, I only get mad at those who cry and whine that they family member is in the hospital, and yet when it comes to either visits or even just checking up on him, they won’t do that. That is when I have a problem. I think did get a twinge upset with my sister because she put the words, “I am doing what they want me to do, live my life.” I wanted to scream going, “So I do not have one?”

I know it seems so silly, and personally I know I seem to be sounding like a teenager, but jeez, thanks for saying that (or really texting that) so glad I cannot reach your standards. That would be me reading between the lines, but I did not do anything of the sorts, all I did was say, “You do your thing.” That was it! And I am accused of reading between the lines. Argh, just once I would like not have something else happen to me that causes another lash on me.

And so, my morning began with a “good job Kita, you have done something wrong again”, isn’t that nice. Today is Valentine’s Day, to which I know my friend, Em it is SPAD (Single Person’s Appreciation Day) and so I must say that Valentine’s Day is not how I would have liked it to be. But, Valentine’s Day has never been my cup of tea, even if I am engaged, Valentine’s Day has not one of those things where I feel it is special. I will use the line from a song, sung by Frank Sinatra, “Each day, is Valentine’s Day.”

That is certainly JR main focus almost every moment we see each other, or that he tries to have happen. Sometimes I screw that up, because of the stress or my stupid ability to let them be held in till they boil over. Today, I know he was hoping to go to Cap City for dinner, but they are full, and he said he would find out the waiting time for us to eat there. It doesn’t really matter, I actually just want to cry in his arms, I have been wanting to cry in his arms since yesterday.

Crying, I do that a lot because well, that is from all the emotions boiling over. There are many times I want to have JR hold me and let me cry, but there are other times, I need my sister or even my Daddy to let me cry and just scream because I have no control or power over what is happening. Many don’t understand I hate crying alone because I use to do that a lot, especially with a certain person living under the same roof as I. I will not go into that. When I cry alone, I feel like I am the worst person in the world and I do nothing but bring myself down.

So, I am here in the room alone with Darrell as he sleeps away. I would not trade being here for anything because I know he doesn’t like being alone and scared at the same time. I sit blogging away, just hoping to past the time. I might read for a little bit, but I am unsure what I am going to be doing. I know around 1pm or so I am going to get something to eat. Maybe I will blog more later.

God Bless.

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One thought on “Alone in a Room

  1. Hugs to you. You are doing what is important. (been there ) Others may later wish they been there ( but will never admit it to you). It’s ALWAYS important to have a family member on watch in the hospital ti act as an advocate – hospitals are short staffed – (Doctors in family) It’s hard, but as my old granny would say: You are earning stars for your crown in heaven. Hugs again – and thanks for being brave and willing to step up – it is important.

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